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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling
in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On
one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I
had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But
I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me
in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you
a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I
perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I
squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It
is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without
warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the
hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when
I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine
region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or
flight' syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me
out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now
there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying
on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there,
done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed
by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to
conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical
laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it
all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?' If they only knew!
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